#77

So, we went to a Christmas party tonight. If was one for the MFT program so I knew only three people there. Well, ok, technically four I think, Me, The Princess, Holly and Becky. I guess I also knew Jim and his wife and maybe one or two others. Ok, so eight tops. At this party they have a tradition for first time visitors. They have to sing, in front of everyone. So, me and The Princess get up and we do our number. We chose to sing a jazz number called Moon Faced and Starry Eyed. I hate doing things in front of other people. Anything where I have to speak in front of a large group, I hate it. The more I know about it before hand the more it eats away at me. It burns in my belly sending the nervousness to the outer reaches of my body. Days of building up tension. When we start the singing portion of the evening my heart starts to race, my hands go clammy, and I start to sweet a little. It is all I can do to keep myself from vomiting up everything I just ate. Argh, I hate this. Even afterwards it is still there, it did not go away. So, I left. I had to get out of there and away from all those people. I am feeling a little better now. Not much, but a little.

I am not the man I once was. I am not the man I want to be.